“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I feel seen.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.