I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…