Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Investing in beetcoin
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
being a writer on Twitter:
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*