When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.