@bazecraze: I'm gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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@CelebrityChez: Day one of my juice cleanse: I feel incredible! Day two: I have carjacked an ice cream truck and fought the manager of Bed Bath & Beyond.
@theshantilly: Me: Go ahead. Waiter: Huh? Me: You're staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it. Waiter: There's a leaf in it.
@murrman5: [whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
@LostFelicia: The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.