I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.