I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?