I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.