I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
im all 3
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
got so much cardio in today
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.