I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.