I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.