[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
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[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
pictures of spider-man
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.