Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
You Might Also Like
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS