Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
#oldknees
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride