*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
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My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]