im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.