If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
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Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!