I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
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sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m crying im so happy for them
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
What do you hear?