I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped