Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”