I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.