@MrEd_EVH: I'm gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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@AmishPornStar1: I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!! Oh, wait, never mind...I got it.
@jjhartinger: Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
@flashember: [writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my "Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords" memoir BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
@truegritrumble: PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn't be wed? ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY