@MrEd_EVH: I'm gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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@DallyDoll: My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there.
@big_mick_carter: Chinese takeaway - £17 Delivery charge - £1 Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers - Riceless
@markydoodoo: *gets tax refund* *calls zoo* Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
@Bandersnaaatch: Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.