@MrEd_EVH: I'm gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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@david8hughes: [meeting aboard the ISS space station] Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please Me trying to open a window cos it's stuffy: in a minute
@simoncholland: When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
@danimgrace: Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
@JohnLyonTweets: I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn't on my coupon.