I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
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ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.