I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™