I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.