Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?