I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.