I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no