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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Netflix and awkward silence?
Important reminders
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay