@SomthinBoutSara: I'm gonna pretend my dad didn't abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he'll be back
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@TheCatWhisprer: ME [as a kid]: i won't be a grumpy old man ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
@awildhope: On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat's all chatty... I cover the receiver and hiss "Shhh, you want them to hear you?"
@TheCatWhisprer: If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn't wear an oven mitt to bed.
@cbdoubleu: [Going through rubble after a house fire] Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined. Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.