I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
😎 🍻
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
The prophecy is fulfilled