I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
channeling her this year
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg