@laurajennyjo: I'm gonna start following my cat to the litter box and sit in her lap while she takes a shit
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@ahoytheboat: i wear my ninja turtles costume on all of my first dates just to weed out the weirdos.
@HandyJack420: Wait...so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face? -me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
@ArfMeasures: [customs] "Passport?" *I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out* ME: OH NO OH GOD *still rummaging through bag* ME: I've forgotten it