Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever