*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
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If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.