I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
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Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
he looks great for his age
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was