#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
lmfao
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’ve been drinking.