Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Safety first
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today