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@ADifGuy: I'm gonna stop you right there.
@kimtopher22: When you were young, Adele? You're 28.
Shut the hell up.
@SamGrittner: INMATE: "What are you in for?"
ME: "A real treat, I hope."
@Home_Halfway: The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
@lynnbixenspan: Did you know that by today's standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
@khook32: Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!
Well grandma, that's how organ donation works.