Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*