I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.