Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
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I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
nice challenge
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.