Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.