[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*