[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
stop
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east