Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
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Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.