My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
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I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today