I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
You Might Also Like
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The best plant holders?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
lmfao
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen