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@ShittyComedian: I'm great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
@jonnysun: BARBER: what'll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
@DaveWeasel: "Don't Kid Yourself" would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.
@mutedclamor: Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
@Cali_Kid_Mike: Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means "Doing the Facebook". Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.
@Eagle_Vision: My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.