I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.