*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”