May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
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Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
S O O N
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas