I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
PLEASE READ
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.