I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Miscakes
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine