@38percentsure: "I'm half black and I'm trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?"
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@abhorrent_wife: There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
@VerifiedDrunk: If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
@SaraMansford: I know Aladdin can't wish for more wishes, but why can't he just wish for more genies?--My 5 year old and future lawyer, probably.