I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
📽️movie date🎞️
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.